After my port was installed, I had chemo that afternoon. I met with the doctor before and we discussed treatment and she patted me on my head, kissed me on the cheek and sent me on my way as she has done for hundreds of others, yet she made me feel special.
Again in anticipation of the medicine, feeling ok here goes and there is no turning back the attentive nurse could tell I was anxious. She gave me something that help with that. I had a port line taped to my chest ready to receive what it is intended for. With every bag they asked me do you know what you are getting today? Then they would show me the bags of medicine and say, " Ok this is blah blah blah and we are going to administer this now. I slept through most of it after they got started. It was all surreal. I mentioned before that I was fine that night, slept great, and even drove home, a five hour drive, from Houston. It was the third and fourth days that were the hardest for me and felt a little flat. Even still it was doable.
All in all chemo has been ok up until this week. Getting an infection really slowed things down. It also played some pretty bad tricks on my mind trying to discourage me. It has actually been nice to have that excuse to rest. I don't need an excuse I realize, but God used this time to show me how vulnerable I really am and how much more I needed Him to take care of me and how much I needed to take care of myself. Again humility.
So why is God having me learn more about humility? Isn't losing your breasts and having cancer humility enough? Is that rude for me to say? Or think? Is that more of that prideful mole I need to bop in the head again? It has given me more to think about. I have felt like my life is just a big mess. I have settled into a big pity party this morning when I couldn't find mt phone. I thought that is it. I am done. I can't even keep up with my phone. How irresponsible blah blah blah, whine whine whine. Then God said," flip back the covers on your bed". PHONE!
Why do I go into the worthless feelings instead of worthy prayer when I get like that? Pitiful if you ask me, but hoping the lesson sticks this time. Even in my prideful anguish my God does not hesitate or resist an opportunity to help me see how He is waiting for me to cry out to Him.
This week I have been a day late with each post. That should tell me something. So I am digging in the Word today looking for answers.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
CHEMO:HOW DOES IT FEEL? DAY 8
I finally feel better, but still favoring my left side. I have not felt bad like that the entire time I have been on chemo. I was a little scared last night. I am better today. I have changed andtibiotics and had a culture done so hopefully we can get to the bottom of this infection. I do have to say there were two thoughts that crossed my mind during this ,yet again, the process of trust and humility of my precious but sometimes proud mouth.
I had to come clean with what I was feeling otherwise I felt like it would just stay stuck inside waiting to come out later in some other way. First thought that made my mind run wild, was the thought that the infection would be what "does me in". I know I know sounds morbid or depressed,but it's reality. So the result was I got mad and said to myself,"No way is that going to the thing after all this". Spoken like a true prideful person. What it showed me was the direct correlation to our fear and anger. I had always taught that the root of anger is fear and thia week God showed just how directly they are involved with ine another.
Secondly, the gruesome thought that somehow this hole where the infection is (I am sorry by the way if this grosses some of y'all out) would just split wide open,the expander would pop out and well there you have it. Showing me yet again how little I know of the human body and how I was complaining too much and not trusting God. It is still all very scary but it also is not something they have never seen before.
So they put me on new antibiotics and took a culture of it or what was coming from it. It is very humbling to wear a mini pad stuck to the inside if a camisole. Never thought I would combine those two thingsn other than if I were a nursing mother
Fear not for I am with you the Lord says. Fear Not!
So I fear not chemo or any other likely thing that would try to separate me from the love of God.
I had to come clean with what I was feeling otherwise I felt like it would just stay stuck inside waiting to come out later in some other way. First thought that made my mind run wild, was the thought that the infection would be what "does me in". I know I know sounds morbid or depressed,but it's reality. So the result was I got mad and said to myself,"No way is that going to the thing after all this". Spoken like a true prideful person. What it showed me was the direct correlation to our fear and anger. I had always taught that the root of anger is fear and thia week God showed just how directly they are involved with ine another.
Secondly, the gruesome thought that somehow this hole where the infection is (I am sorry by the way if this grosses some of y'all out) would just split wide open,the expander would pop out and well there you have it. Showing me yet again how little I know of the human body and how I was complaining too much and not trusting God. It is still all very scary but it also is not something they have never seen before.
So they put me on new antibiotics and took a culture of it or what was coming from it. It is very humbling to wear a mini pad stuck to the inside if a camisole. Never thought I would combine those two thingsn other than if I were a nursing mother
Fear not for I am with you the Lord says. Fear Not!
So I fear not chemo or any other likely thing that would try to separate me from the love of God.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
CHEMO: HOW DOES IT FEEL? DAY 6&7
Ooops. Day 6 got lost yesterday. Mostly because yesterday was what I used to call for my girls a Sesame Street Grovers Bad Awful Day. It was a stay low in the bed day. I had an ice bag on my head for the headache and a hot bag on my breast to draw out infection. It was a really funny sight. Just moving around hurt, opening my eyes hurt, my head hurt, infection started in my left breast, got shots for WBC to bring those up. All in all it HURT.
But today, I am better. Infection starting to respond to medicine. And as only a small town would have it I had the nurse come by and look at it, take a picture to email the doctor who is in Houston this week so he can see it. Only in a small town can you get house calls like that. So grateful.
There are many things, yes, I hate about the expanders, the port in my neck and chest, yet I am humbled by His Love for me to take care of me so sweetly. I have really had an ok time up til this point and know that this is where the rubber meets the road. I am in the thick of it and only, after today, will have four more chemo treatments left. I will have to take Herceptin intravenously til Dec. but hoping I can take port out and just do it in my arm. They said I could. Radiation is after chemo but only for about three weeks every day but for only about 5 minutes a day of treatment. Then I have to wait three months for my final surgery to take out expanders and put in my implants. A long, but worthy, wait.
Another lesson in waiting. I am finding that waiting is closely linked to control. When you are really at the mercy of God, the doctors, the chemo, the process, and your body my willingness to yield is challenged. I still have that little mole try and rear its head trying to convince me that I need to be in control. A very humbling experience and one that I obviously need to learn again and again. I want that submission to Him to be automatic, always.
His word never fails me, always corrects me and gives me peace.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
The Word describes it as a gift. We are waiting for a gift. The gift.
James 4:6b "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble".
More humility Lord, more grace. He has granted me so much already. I am thankful He is an endless supply.
But today, I am better. Infection starting to respond to medicine. And as only a small town would have it I had the nurse come by and look at it, take a picture to email the doctor who is in Houston this week so he can see it. Only in a small town can you get house calls like that. So grateful.
There are many things, yes, I hate about the expanders, the port in my neck and chest, yet I am humbled by His Love for me to take care of me so sweetly. I have really had an ok time up til this point and know that this is where the rubber meets the road. I am in the thick of it and only, after today, will have four more chemo treatments left. I will have to take Herceptin intravenously til Dec. but hoping I can take port out and just do it in my arm. They said I could. Radiation is after chemo but only for about three weeks every day but for only about 5 minutes a day of treatment. Then I have to wait three months for my final surgery to take out expanders and put in my implants. A long, but worthy, wait.
Another lesson in waiting. I am finding that waiting is closely linked to control. When you are really at the mercy of God, the doctors, the chemo, the process, and your body my willingness to yield is challenged. I still have that little mole try and rear its head trying to convince me that I need to be in control. A very humbling experience and one that I obviously need to learn again and again. I want that submission to Him to be automatic, always.
His word never fails me, always corrects me and gives me peace.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
The Word describes it as a gift. We are waiting for a gift. The gift.
James 4:6b "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble".
More humility Lord, more grace. He has granted me so much already. I am thankful He is an endless supply.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
